Monday, June 4, 2012

Learning to let go....time to step aside

Remember this post...The Day She Fell ? This past weekend at the lake, our son...the one whom I have had the pleasure of escorting to the emergency room countless times over the years, fell as he was wakeboarding. Landing with his head sideways into the water. Thankfully I wasn't present on the boat at the time. The fear came as our daughter came running back up to the house saying her brother couldn't remember some bits of time. As I looked at him walking up to the house...he looked ok. But as he got closer, that mom in me knew and the fear became real. Flash backs from Mackenzie's accident clouded my mind as I let fear set in. His struggle and agitation with trying to remember was more than this mom's heart could take. Knowing he needed to make his yearly ER visit, I took the reins and told him he was going and to go change.  A mom never stops mothering just because her children are grown.What I wasn't prepared for was his agitation and voicing his opinion that everyone didn't need to go. Everyone wasn't going to start with. Just his dad and I.  I guess I just assumed that by being his mom I would automatically be included. I asked him who he wanted to go with him and he pointed to his fiance'. So at that point I knew it was time to let go. I just thought it would be after they got married. So with my broken and struggling heart I stepped aside. Left to entertain those left at the house to wait. Trying really hard to not let resentment become a stronghold in my heart. I know this wasn't about me. But for the first time, our history with the ER visits has ended and now I'm left waiting like everyone else. Left feeling like I'm just another bystander in my son's life.

The crazy thing is, our daughter was married a few years ago and this has never been an issue. I have always felt included. Why hadn't someone warned me of the feelings I would have with my sons?  After all they have never really dated a whole lot. Having a girl in his life is new to me. I was just getting use to all this.We have had a lot thrown at us in the last few months. Now I have to share and become second fiddle. I don't like it! I'm sure that all these feelings will change with time. I am happy for him. I just wasn't prepared with the initial shock of being forced to let go. Forced to step aside so soon. Again...why did I have to blink? I miss my little boys! It's so hard to think of them as grown men. Especially with them still under our roof.

The diagnosis was a ruptured eardrum and a concussion. We have a lot to be thankful for! His memory has returned and his ear is on the mend. Hopefully my heart won't sink the next time he slips his wakeboard onto his feet. I guess I wouldn't be his mama if  I didn't worry just a little as he tugs at my heartstrings.

Again...A mom's work is never done! Even if her children are grown and don't see it.